Zodiak Chaos by William Klein

Well, the Zodiac Illuminati has done it again. It has changed the dates for the signs and added a new one. Those people who were formerly one sign are now another. My friend who was formerly a Libra is now a Virgo. His once Libra personality where he demonstrated a “mysterious drama and biting criticism” has now become “humble, self-effacing and practical.”

I never saw it coming.  In the words of Shakespeare, “Time is out of joint.” Let’s screw with peoples’ sensibilities even though they’ve been mentally harangued by the epidemic uncertainty that is Covid-19.

As I looked up the personality qualities of Scorpio, I noticed that this sign is based on the alignment of the planet Pluto.  Maybe we should have realized that everything was going to hell when NASA determined that Pluto is no longer identified as a planet.

Scientists may have seen this astrological dilemma coming and are trying to correct the wrong. Some scientists advocated for making Pluto a planet again. This was reported in a recent article from NBC News Correspondant Tom Metcalf, December 30, 2021, “Should Pluto Be A Planet Again?”

“A team of scientists wants Pluto classified as a planet again — along with dozens of similar bodies in the solar system and any found around distant stars.

The call goes against a controversial resolution from 2006 by the International Astronomical Union that decided Pluto is only a “dwarf planet” — but the researchers say a rethink will put science back on the right path.”

Thanks scientists.  It may put mediums back on the right path, too. He goes on to say that the planet was only discovered in 1930. I wonder what planet they used before that date? What about these other stars that they’re considering making planets? Will this throw more fuel on the fire in the future if the Illuminati want to change this again?

As I read the sign for Scorpio, I see that Scorpios appear calm but they are intensely emotional underneath. Judging from my friend’s appearance when I told her this zodiac change, she blew up at me.  She was so upset that she was losing her sign that she lost her mind. She said, “How could they do this to me?! My astrologer told me I was supposed to meet someone significant who is going to sweep me off my feet in the new year.”

She loves her nefarious Scorpio sign.  Now she has to rethink her whole plan for communicating nicely with people when she spent the last 50 years stinging them with her biting sarcasm.

What do we do with the Gemini’s who’ve been leading “Twin” duel lives?  It looks like under Taurus they will now be single minded in their focus; corporate minded and socially responsible – no more two-face.

Psychic Madam Snarky-Blutarksy, the Venice Beach medium is working overtime.  She’s resorted to Xanex to keep herself calm. Nothing else is working. People want answers and they want them now. A friend told me they’re lined up outside her square, waiting hours for a reading. It’s caused quite a log jam on the boardwalk.

Reading up on the horoscope dilemma, apparently, the stars shifted. NASA says we “may have been reading under the wrong sign.” How do you like that? I thought I was one thing and now I’m another. I think I’m sensitive but I’m really just annoyed. I think I’m headstrong but I’m just callous.  I may be nothing like I thought I was. I’ll be damned. I don’t mean to be curmudgeonly about it, but what do I tell my friends who live by this thing? I’m sorry, pal, you’re not who you think you are.

Here’s how it goes. The date that is designated by our star sign is fixed by our position to the Sun relative to the alignment of stars behind the Sun”. Go figure. I’m still wondering about this infinite universe.  I wonder if the millions of galaxies that exist beyond us have anything to do with it? Can I depend on anything that is stated as fact when I consider there may be a parallel universe where my star sign is being interrupted by another planet behind a thousand Suns?

One can only imagine. Adding insult to injury, someone who is a water sign is all wet.  They’re really a fire sign, or air sign.  Opps!

I know my astrologer friends are reading this saying, “Don’t be silly. This is only relative to our universe.” I’m just having fun, I guess.

My friends who were formerly Sagittarius are now a completely new sign called Ophiuchus.

Ophiuchus is a healer.  They are prone to “seek higher education and enlightenment.” This sign could not have come at a better time.  I hope someone from this sign can heal the headaches this zodiac chaos has brought to our world.

As I’ve researched this quandry, I’ve learned that these new signs only apply to those who are being born in 2022. Help me make sense of this. Suddenly, in the dawning of the Aquarian age, the planets have aligned in a different way, so those who are born in this age have new personalities.

Maybe, just maybe, this explains why people are acting crazy during the pandemic.

Personally, I believe there is no doubt that people respond differently when there is a full moon. You should see my class on those days. Could all this zodiac chaos lead to more insanity? I’m calling in sick for the rest of this year.

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