Think Silly, Be Silly by William Klein

It’s that time of year in school where students are getting short with teachers and vice versa. I’ve been patient, but it’s always good to let your emotions out and own your feelings. Therefore, I’m venting.

Random Ramblings on things that irk me:

You don’t need an IQ test to see if you’re smart.  Just go online and do one of those puzzles that tells you “you’re a genius if you can find the ‘M’ in the mix of ‘Ws.’”  Here it is …  WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. You’re golden.  Congrats. Now, how do you feel about Capitol riots? Would you vote for Tiger King for Governor? This will tell me a lot. 

Now, let’s talk about something meaningful. Do you let your dog own your bed and have to sleep on the floor? Do you like watching funny videos where people hurt themselves?

There’s always these little adds for calculating your retirement.  By their standards, I should be able to retire, ten years after I’m dead.  They got a beautiful forty-year-old lady on the front who saved her communion money and never gave a dime to the poor to encourage you to calculate.  Don’t do it.  Find something you love doing and get to work. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when it’s time to retire when you’re eighty-five. Maybe the social security system will be solvent.

Gotta get this off my chest … I’m NOT paying for something that’s not put together.  Assembly required? Here’s the car.  Follow the instructions, you’ll be fine. We’ll give you the motor, now attach the seats, the hood, the doors, the windshield wipers, the steering wheel. That’s what we’re coming to!

IKEA should be ashamed of itself.  They taunt you by how great something looks, then you put it together, you have sixty extra screws, and you need to find a place where other furniture can hold it up. Pay someone to put the damned thing together. People need jobs, and I’m sure there’s a couple of people who love to do the same thing for a few hours. It’s a meditation for them.

I tried to put a desk together and the screws went in wonderfully. There’s two little bumps on my desk showing how well they went in. I put together a shower bench for my mom.  When I finally got the damned thing together everything was upside down. I guess I had the directions the wrong way. You need directions for the directions. I had to take the damned thing apart to reassemble it. Three hours later.

Another thing, personal cashiers. They’re going the way of the dinosaurs. Don’t go to the personal automated checkouts, as you’re encouraging unemployment.  You’ve gotta look up fruit codes? What is that a kiwi or a harry grape? Endive or Romaine? Same thing as IKEA.  Stores should pay someone to punch in the codes for fruit. Looking up numbers for shopping? No, thank you.  Less math, more time for life.

How good are you at cramming things into the refrigerator?  Can you close the door and make something hang in midair like me?  You’re a great organizer. The item I want shoots out at me like a finely tuned shoot.  Ice cream – bing, bang, boom – right in my hands.  By the way, when was the last time you checked the back of your freezer? I’ve got freezer burned chops in the back but it’s part of the machine to make the ice cream drop work.

If you think funny, you will be funny, even if you’re not funny.  Seriously.  A little silly thought can lead to happy endorphins. Everyone likes the smile of an endorphin. Or was that everyone likes a smiling dolphin? Either way, an active endorphin is a jumping dolphin. Swim with the dolphins even if it’s just in your mind.

Happy Monday, folks. We rise again.

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