Lillian Hellman wrote an autobiography titled, “Pentimento.” Hellman describes “pentimento” as a previously intended painting painted over with another painting that is visible as a painting ages. The old painting shows through that which was painted over it, so there is a visible trace of two pieces of art in one work of art.
Modern technology reveals that many masters painted over previous paintings for various reasons, and this is the case with the “Mona Lisa.” Xray visioning is uncovering that artists started with works of art in mind and changed directions completely or changed things to make the painting better or they couldn’t afford canvasses so they used old paintings to paint new ones.
Pentimento. What a wonderful way to describe a life. There is always an original idea of what your life should be, and we all sketch this out in our own personal ways. Many people have those youthful ideals of what we expect to happen in life; I’ll go to school, have some fun, get married, have a career, start a family, enjoy life, become a grandparent, retire and look back on a life well lived. I’ve discussed this with others and more often than not our lives become something we never expected. The issues and events that pop up in our lives shape us in ways we never thought possible.
We make choices that change everything. Some people let life happen to them; they make it up as they go along. Others have an idea of what they want, map it out and go in a completely different direction due to circumstances. Some recreate themselves because their lives aren’t working.
I was sitting with some teenage students who were working at a hunger center. I asked them, “Where do you see your life going?” They stopped and looked at me for a minute not knowing how to answer the question. It was as if they were saying, “I’m too busy staying alive to consider that.” It made me sad. On one hand, there’s something to be said for living in the moment, on the other hand, there’s a place for allowing dreams to be made manifest.
It begs the questions: What have you dreamed lately? What are your gifts? What do you love to do? What makes you stay up at night and drives you to become a better person?
It’s the dreaming that took my life in a completely different direction. When I was young, I wanted to be an artist. Someone asked me, “so you want to be a starving artist?” I thought to myself, “I don’t want to starve!” Hell no, but something in me told me if I didn’t pursue this yearning within, it would be the death of me.
I remember a mentor telling me, “If you really want to be a writer, ‘Go west, young man.’” I took it to heart and did just that. I originally had plans to settle down, but my restlessness and vocation had something else in mind. When I got to LA and settled in as a teacher, the art of teaching took me over. I never lost touch with the art of writing, but my attention to being a good teacher took precedence. I always wanted to write, but I saw that teaching held something for me that informed my writing in ways I could never imagine.
Digging into the essays of students and discussing philosophy with others informed my writing. Serving others established a context for understanding sacred scriptures and brought them to life for me. I could’ve never created the art I’ve created without the blessing being informed by teaching. No regrets.
The same could be said for the spiritual life. The Buddhists put it an interesting way. “Unless your desire to become enlightened is like a man needing water to put out the fire on his head, don’t venture there, it’s too tough.” I knew that pursuing a spiritual life would inform me in ways I couldn’t consider. Once I did it, I saw that the road wasn’t as easy as it appears.
When I think of the disciples leaving their families to become teachers of the word and healers, how many envisioned that they would be dying for the cause? I would venture to say not many. When Jesus informs his extended group of disciples this and many leave. He asks Peter, “Are you going to leave, too?” Peter replies, I would, but where else am I going to go? You have the words of everlasting life.” In other words, I see something that informs me, that feeds me, and nourishes sensibilities within me that nothing else can touch. There’s nowhere else to go.
It’s sad if you don’t have a mentor in your life to guide you and teach you how to master the art of life like a guru, but the brush is in your hands. The canvass you create is yours and yours alone. Turning within and sketching out what you want to create is good but you may have a whole other painting that needs to be expressed. Don’t be surprised if you paint over an original intention.
Life will inform you on what needs to be expressed. Reaching out to others and allowing them to inform who you are and what you believe can make the art rich. The work may not make sense to others, but there are benefits to reimagining. Whatever the case may be, a masterpiece is in the making.
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